...that's the sound in my head. Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.
Counting down the minutes until we go back to reality again.
School. Work. Piano. Violin. Alarms. Homework. Schedules.
I've so enjoyed being home.
Cooking. Cleaning. Crafting. Resting. Reading. Baking. Playing.
We really haven't done anything the whole break.
And it's been so nice.
Today we went to the grocery store.
Yay, us. ;)
On a side note, other than 1 lunch from McD's for Grammy, Goose, and I, and 1 lunch from McD's for Grammy and Goose while Luke and I had El Toro, we have eaten at home every single meal. That has to be a new record.
It's been so nice.
Today we did buy fried chicken for Grammy and Goose. Luke and I had a sandwich at home while putting away the groceries.
I've done another 3 in 30 - working in the craft room today.
My desk is actually almost functional.
My newest stamps are waiting in a basket to be used.
I should do that tonight.
I'm going to go shape the bread for dinner.
And maybe craft.
Grammy and Goose have made about a hundred twenty one little perler bead projects this week. They're having lots of fun.
Something about going back to a schedule pulls at me.
Equal parts relief and anxiety.
Today has been hard.
Again.
2 years ago today, Kenton came home. HOME.
2 days later he was headed back to PCMC.
19 days later, he was gone.
The month of January is bleak.
Sad.
Hard.
We'll survive.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
[day 2 of 2015]
The New Year's Eve celebrations and traditions just about did me in. I think I spent as much time hiding in the bathroom as I did actually celebrating. I just kept thinking, "Stupid holidays. Stupid traditions." As much as I wanted to be cheerful and happy and positive, I just couldn't beat down the anxiety and heartache for very long at any given time.
In fact, I would have just as soon climbed into bed around 9 and skipped the whole ringing in the new year altogether.
Does that make me a bad mom? Perhaps.
Whatever.
We started with fireworks at the cemetery to celebrate with Kenton.
It was cold.
I know he appreciated the effort and the fireworks.
Then we watched a movie and made bags. Luke didn't want to make shirts again this year. That was our Kenton thing. I think he was hurting too much this year too.
At 9 we played Operation and the new game McKayslin got for her birthday from Christiansens.
At 10:30 we watched a movie.
At midnight we lit fireworks here at home and sprayed silly string and had sprinkle pancakes.
And went to bed.
I'm sure the whole evening was equal parts successful and crappy for McKayslin.
I wish I could do better.
In trying to figure out just why this holiday was so much harder than Christmas even, the only thing I could come up with is that when 2015 started, that would be our 2nd full year starting without our boy. I don't think that makes sense to anyone else. Most of the time nothing I think even makes sense to me.
Whatever.
2015 came.
We started another whole year without our Kenton.
And in 20 days we will recognize Kenton's angel day.
Yet another painful day of reminders of all of the things we won't get to do with our Kenton. A reminder that we won't get to make any new memories. Or take any new pictures. Or hear that laugh. See that smile. Get those hugs.
We always miss him.
Some days we just miss him harder than others.
Yesterday was an interesting day. We're all a bit on edge.
Tired. Worn down.
Ready to return to a routine.
Our house feels claustrophobic.
I decided to take the ©CleanMama #clutterfree30 challenge.
I didn't tell Luke. I just started cleaning out a cupboard (yesterday's challenge was 3 bags of clutter gathered in 30 minutes).
In that one cupboard I found a full garbage can full of expired hot chocolate (like 2009 expired), medicine, and cans of food. Luke jumped right in to help, and together we cleared 7 of the 8 cupboards on the east side of the kitchen. 3 garbage cans full and a big box to donate.
We kept going.
By the end of the day (today's challenge is actually the pantry clean sweep, but we did it together yesterday), we had cleaned the kitchen, done some organization, and cleaned out the whole downstairs pantry.
It was fun working together and the results were awesome.
What wasn't awesome was the amount of food that had to be thrown away.
Lessons are sometimes pretty expensive.
With each bag out of the house, I felt a little lighter, a little better.
Last night I was that good kind of exhausted that comes from working really hard and getting something finished.
Today I start on my craft room.
It's kind of the crap room right now.
The holding pen for the wayward stuff that doesn't have a home.
One day it will be a dedicated craft room.
Cute.
Functional.
That day won't be tomorrow.
Or even the next day.
It might not even be next week.
But it will happen.
First, the Sparky dog needs a bath and a haircut.
We'll see how the day goes from there.
Praying that day 2 of 2015 leaves me feeling that same good kind of exhausted as day 1 did.
Because day 365 of 2014 just really hurt...
In fact, I would have just as soon climbed into bed around 9 and skipped the whole ringing in the new year altogether.
Does that make me a bad mom? Perhaps.
Whatever.
We started with fireworks at the cemetery to celebrate with Kenton.
It was cold.
I know he appreciated the effort and the fireworks.
Then we watched a movie and made bags. Luke didn't want to make shirts again this year. That was our Kenton thing. I think he was hurting too much this year too.
At 9 we played Operation and the new game McKayslin got for her birthday from Christiansens.
At 10:30 we watched a movie.
At midnight we lit fireworks here at home and sprayed silly string and had sprinkle pancakes.
And went to bed.
I'm sure the whole evening was equal parts successful and crappy for McKayslin.
I wish I could do better.
In trying to figure out just why this holiday was so much harder than Christmas even, the only thing I could come up with is that when 2015 started, that would be our 2nd full year starting without our boy. I don't think that makes sense to anyone else. Most of the time nothing I think even makes sense to me.
Whatever.
2015 came.
We started another whole year without our Kenton.
And in 20 days we will recognize Kenton's angel day.
Yet another painful day of reminders of all of the things we won't get to do with our Kenton. A reminder that we won't get to make any new memories. Or take any new pictures. Or hear that laugh. See that smile. Get those hugs.
We always miss him.
Some days we just miss him harder than others.
Yesterday was an interesting day. We're all a bit on edge.
Tired. Worn down.
Ready to return to a routine.
Our house feels claustrophobic.
I decided to take the ©CleanMama #clutterfree30 challenge.
I didn't tell Luke. I just started cleaning out a cupboard (yesterday's challenge was 3 bags of clutter gathered in 30 minutes).
In that one cupboard I found a full garbage can full of expired hot chocolate (like 2009 expired), medicine, and cans of food. Luke jumped right in to help, and together we cleared 7 of the 8 cupboards on the east side of the kitchen. 3 garbage cans full and a big box to donate.
We kept going.
By the end of the day (today's challenge is actually the pantry clean sweep, but we did it together yesterday), we had cleaned the kitchen, done some organization, and cleaned out the whole downstairs pantry.
It was fun working together and the results were awesome.
What wasn't awesome was the amount of food that had to be thrown away.
Lessons are sometimes pretty expensive.
With each bag out of the house, I felt a little lighter, a little better.
Last night I was that good kind of exhausted that comes from working really hard and getting something finished.
Today I start on my craft room.
It's kind of the crap room right now.
The holding pen for the wayward stuff that doesn't have a home.
One day it will be a dedicated craft room.
Cute.
Functional.
That day won't be tomorrow.
Or even the next day.
It might not even be next week.
But it will happen.
First, the Sparky dog needs a bath and a haircut.
We'll see how the day goes from there.
Praying that day 2 of 2015 leaves me feeling that same good kind of exhausted as day 1 did.
Because day 365 of 2014 just really hurt...
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
[it's almost 2015]
The morning was spent budgeting (double ick), organizing the pantry (ick), menu planning (a little less ick), and baking a delicious Texas Sheet Cake with the Goose (not at all ick!).
Since Saturday evening, Grammy has been feeling progressively more yucky, so when she asked to go to the dr. today, Luke jumped on the chance. They're there now. Haven't heard what it is that's ailing her. My guess is it's the same gomboo that plagued McKayslin and I for the past week. Luke seems to have held out on the sickness. Hopefully he won't get hit right before he has to go back to work...
The house is very quiet right now. Almost too quiet.
The morning was filled with lots of discussion, a little wondering, and a whole lot of thinking. That, combined with the now quiet, has my brain kicked into overdrive and my freak out mode in full force.
This afternoon, Luke and the girls will do a drive by to see Kenton (with a wind chill of well below zero, a drive by will have to do - sorry little buddy!). I will do a drive by when I head down to school to pick up a few things to work on. Need to get my phonics lessons planned and prepped and caught up before Monday hits. And homework for the next couple of weeks. And perhaps a couple of sets of emergency sub plans depending on what our friend Shauna might need.
The tree will come down this afternoon. Or tomorrow depending on how things go at the dr. with Grammy. And with that, we've survived our 2nd Christmas without Kenton.
Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Our traditional three gifts should bring laughs and fun and memories (which will bring some sadness, some tears, and a whole lot of missing our boy). We'll light fireworks at the cemetery at midnight, and come home for sprinkle filled pancakes with whipped cream.
And just like that, 2015 will be here. The 2nd year to start without our boy. On the 22nd, we'll mark 2 years that Kenton has been gone.
I think of that, and I wonder - are you proud of us, Bubs? Do you miss us as much as we miss you? Do you think of us as often as we think of you?
And I wonder how we've made it almost two full years without that smile, those hugs, that laugh, and all that love. Or how we'll make it another year...
Since Saturday evening, Grammy has been feeling progressively more yucky, so when she asked to go to the dr. today, Luke jumped on the chance. They're there now. Haven't heard what it is that's ailing her. My guess is it's the same gomboo that plagued McKayslin and I for the past week. Luke seems to have held out on the sickness. Hopefully he won't get hit right before he has to go back to work...
The house is very quiet right now. Almost too quiet.
The morning was filled with lots of discussion, a little wondering, and a whole lot of thinking. That, combined with the now quiet, has my brain kicked into overdrive and my freak out mode in full force.
This afternoon, Luke and the girls will do a drive by to see Kenton (with a wind chill of well below zero, a drive by will have to do - sorry little buddy!). I will do a drive by when I head down to school to pick up a few things to work on. Need to get my phonics lessons planned and prepped and caught up before Monday hits. And homework for the next couple of weeks. And perhaps a couple of sets of emergency sub plans depending on what our friend Shauna might need.
The tree will come down this afternoon. Or tomorrow depending on how things go at the dr. with Grammy. And with that, we've survived our 2nd Christmas without Kenton.
Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Our traditional three gifts should bring laughs and fun and memories (which will bring some sadness, some tears, and a whole lot of missing our boy). We'll light fireworks at the cemetery at midnight, and come home for sprinkle filled pancakes with whipped cream.
And just like that, 2015 will be here. The 2nd year to start without our boy. On the 22nd, we'll mark 2 years that Kenton has been gone.
I think of that, and I wonder - are you proud of us, Bubs? Do you miss us as much as we miss you? Do you think of us as often as we think of you?
And I wonder how we've made it almost two full years without that smile, those hugs, that laugh, and all that love. Or how we'll make it another year...
Monday, December 29, 2014
[a mess]
Christmas is over.
McKayslin's birthday is over.
New Year's Eve is in 2 days.
All of this wraps up into one big huge emotional mess of a time of year.
Try as I may, I can not, just can't, make it work.
I can't juggle the emotions of everyone in this house while I attempt to juggle my own.
I can't put on a smile and go out in public and pretend that my broken heart isn't.
I can't spend too much time with the people I love because their sadness echoes my own so deeply that soon we're all just lost in the sad.
So our days consist of reading. TV. Computer time. Tablet time. Cooking. Eating. And lots of time in separate rooms away from each other.
It certainly doesn't help that McKayslin and I both caught some awesome bug last weekend. And that she missed the last 2 days of school. Or that I still am not feeling well. And Grammy is now sick.
It doesn't help that today for dinner I made ham and beans - the one meal Kenton requested I make for him when he was finally better and didn't get to make for him at all.
It most definitely doesn't help that our house still looks like Christmas threw up all over because no one has the emotional energy to take it all down and put it all away.
Today, Luke and I went on a date.
Lunch.
Shopping.
Mostly to get the things on our list, plus the traditional 3 gifts of New Year's Eve.
It's hard.
The memories.
The emotions.
The knowing Kenton doesn't get to do any of this with us anymore.
Taking pictures, knowing that I won't ever have any new ones of him.
Looking at old pictures, wishing I'd taken more.
Wishing I'd written the memories of the pictures.
Catching up on some scrapbooking.
Heart ripped out of my chest and lying in shards on the floor with each page.
Wondering if the new year will bring an added measure of peace that we so desperately seek. Knowing that the peace will come, but praying that it stays. That it heals.
And just so many other things that are so illogical and unreasonable that I can't even make myself say them out loud...
Feeling like my best will never ever be good enough again.
McKayslin's birthday is over.
New Year's Eve is in 2 days.
All of this wraps up into one big huge emotional mess of a time of year.
Try as I may, I can not, just can't, make it work.
I can't juggle the emotions of everyone in this house while I attempt to juggle my own.
I can't put on a smile and go out in public and pretend that my broken heart isn't.
I can't spend too much time with the people I love because their sadness echoes my own so deeply that soon we're all just lost in the sad.
So our days consist of reading. TV. Computer time. Tablet time. Cooking. Eating. And lots of time in separate rooms away from each other.
It certainly doesn't help that McKayslin and I both caught some awesome bug last weekend. And that she missed the last 2 days of school. Or that I still am not feeling well. And Grammy is now sick.
It doesn't help that today for dinner I made ham and beans - the one meal Kenton requested I make for him when he was finally better and didn't get to make for him at all.
It most definitely doesn't help that our house still looks like Christmas threw up all over because no one has the emotional energy to take it all down and put it all away.
Today, Luke and I went on a date.
Lunch.
Shopping.
Mostly to get the things on our list, plus the traditional 3 gifts of New Year's Eve.
It's hard.
The memories.
The emotions.
The knowing Kenton doesn't get to do any of this with us anymore.
Taking pictures, knowing that I won't ever have any new ones of him.
Looking at old pictures, wishing I'd taken more.
Wishing I'd written the memories of the pictures.
Catching up on some scrapbooking.
Heart ripped out of my chest and lying in shards on the floor with each page.
Wondering if the new year will bring an added measure of peace that we so desperately seek. Knowing that the peace will come, but praying that it stays. That it heals.
And just so many other things that are so illogical and unreasonable that I can't even make myself say them out loud...
Feeling like my best will never ever be good enough again.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
[zion]
On Sunday, our Sunday School lesson was The Gathering of Israel. Our lesson started late. We had exactly 29 minutes. The lesson started out on track as we discussed the physical and spiritual gathering of Israel. And then I shared something I had learned in my lesson study. A quote from Elder Bruce R. McConkie. (I actually used a lot of a talk he'd given in preparing to teach the lesson (Come: Let Israel Build Zion)).
The message which has come to us is that the Lord will “have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come.
I shall speak of the manner in which the Lord will build up Zion, the manner in which the Lord is having mercy upon Zion, and the part we are expected to play in the building of Zion.
...as of now, the Lord has laid upon us the responsibility to lay the foundation for that which is to be. We have been commissioned to prepare a people for the second coming of the Son of Man. We have been called to preach the gospel to every nation and kindred and tongue and people. We have been commanded to lay the foundations of Zion and to get all things ready for the return of Him who shall again crown the Holy City with his presence and glory.
Zion is people; Zion is the saints of God; Zion is those who have been baptized; Zion is those who have received the Holy Ghost; Zion is those who keep the commandments; Zion is the righteous...
After sharing this quote, I asked first, "Where is Zion?" and second, "How is Heavenly Father showing mercy upon us?"
The remainder of our lesson was spent discussing Zion. And our Heavenly Father's love of us that is shown so clearly within our Zion. That is one of his greatest mercies. That we are surrounded by those who love, serve, support, guide, and help us along our path.
Zion is right here. It is my own little family. My own little circle of friends. My own extended family. My own little ward. My own stake. Right here. Right now.
What is my responsibility within Zion? We have been commissioned to prepare a people for the second coming of the Son of Man. We have been called to preach the gospel to every nation and kindred and tongue and people. We have been commanded to lay the foundations of Zion and to get all things ready for the return of Him who shall again crown the Holy City with his presence and glory. Pretty clear.
As the discussion continued on preparing a people for the second coming of our Savior, we talked a lot about example and service. Like it or not, regardless of our circumstances, and sometimes because of our circumstances, people watch us. They watch what we say. They watch what we do. They watch how we treat those around us. They watch how we respond to challenges and to the task of daily life. I've heard it said many times, "You are always an example - you can be a good one or a bad one, but you're always an example." This is something on which I need to work.
I really love our ward. I really love our stake. I really love our little town. There are so many great people here. So many people that love our Savior and constantly find ways to lift and serve others, not to say hey look at me, I'm so awesome!, but in a manner that that exemplifies the love of our Savior.
This discussion brought me up sharply in remembrance of all of the loving acts of service we have received. Meals, money, fundraisers, cards, letters, texts, visits, treats... we live in our own little Zion and it's a pretty great place to live.
However, that being said, I'll admit that it's been a rough few days.
The days after a really awesome spiritual experience usually are.
I need to do better at remembering that.
Remembering that my emotions will be higher. Tighter.
That my patience will be shorter.
And that my tolerance level will be non-existent.
Satan is real.
And I let him in this week by allowing simple things to breed anger and impatience.
By responding with annoyance instead of understanding.
I simply must do better.
I took an interesting quiz yesterday at www.16personalities.com .
My results: Your personality type: INFP (turbulent variant)
Strength of individual traits: Introverted: 83%, Intuitive: 40%, Feeling: 81%, Prospecting: 56%, Turbulent: 93%.
The message which has come to us is that the Lord will “have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come.
I shall speak of the manner in which the Lord will build up Zion, the manner in which the Lord is having mercy upon Zion, and the part we are expected to play in the building of Zion.
...as of now, the Lord has laid upon us the responsibility to lay the foundation for that which is to be. We have been commissioned to prepare a people for the second coming of the Son of Man. We have been called to preach the gospel to every nation and kindred and tongue and people. We have been commanded to lay the foundations of Zion and to get all things ready for the return of Him who shall again crown the Holy City with his presence and glory.
Zion is people; Zion is the saints of God; Zion is those who have been baptized; Zion is those who have received the Holy Ghost; Zion is those who keep the commandments; Zion is the righteous...
After sharing this quote, I asked first, "Where is Zion?" and second, "How is Heavenly Father showing mercy upon us?"
The remainder of our lesson was spent discussing Zion. And our Heavenly Father's love of us that is shown so clearly within our Zion. That is one of his greatest mercies. That we are surrounded by those who love, serve, support, guide, and help us along our path.
Zion is right here. It is my own little family. My own little circle of friends. My own extended family. My own little ward. My own stake. Right here. Right now.
What is my responsibility within Zion? We have been commissioned to prepare a people for the second coming of the Son of Man. We have been called to preach the gospel to every nation and kindred and tongue and people. We have been commanded to lay the foundations of Zion and to get all things ready for the return of Him who shall again crown the Holy City with his presence and glory. Pretty clear.
As the discussion continued on preparing a people for the second coming of our Savior, we talked a lot about example and service. Like it or not, regardless of our circumstances, and sometimes because of our circumstances, people watch us. They watch what we say. They watch what we do. They watch how we treat those around us. They watch how we respond to challenges and to the task of daily life. I've heard it said many times, "You are always an example - you can be a good one or a bad one, but you're always an example." This is something on which I need to work.
I really love our ward. I really love our stake. I really love our little town. There are so many great people here. So many people that love our Savior and constantly find ways to lift and serve others, not to say hey look at me, I'm so awesome!, but in a manner that that exemplifies the love of our Savior.
This discussion brought me up sharply in remembrance of all of the loving acts of service we have received. Meals, money, fundraisers, cards, letters, texts, visits, treats... we live in our own little Zion and it's a pretty great place to live.
However, that being said, I'll admit that it's been a rough few days.
The days after a really awesome spiritual experience usually are.
I need to do better at remembering that.
Remembering that my emotions will be higher. Tighter.
That my patience will be shorter.
And that my tolerance level will be non-existent.
Satan is real.
And I let him in this week by allowing simple things to breed anger and impatience.
By responding with annoyance instead of understanding.
I simply must do better.
I took an interesting quiz yesterday at www.16personalities.com .
My results: Your personality type: INFP (turbulent variant)
Strength of individual traits: Introverted: 83%, Intuitive: 40%, Feeling: 81%, Prospecting: 56%, Turbulent: 93%.
INFPs are driven by a strong sense of right and wrong and a desire to exercise their creativity, even if only behind the scenes. Their weaknesses include sensitivity to criticism, poor organization, and low assertiveness. Keirsey referred to the INFPs as Healers, one of the four types belonging to the temperament he called the Idealists.[2] INFPs are one of the rarer types, accounting for about 4-5% of the population.[3]
The turbulent variant part made me a little sad. The best I can figure is that my emotions are still all over the place. I suppose that just gives me an awareness. I can't hide behind my grief. Or use it as an excuse. I can't live there. I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THERE! I can miss Kenton, as I do with every piece of my heart, but I can miss him while still showing an outpouring of love and patience to those around me.
Going forward, my goal is to be less sharp, less critical, more supportive, more forgiving, more understanding. I respond too quickly. Expect too much. Allow hurt to enter too easily. We have been commanded to preach the gospel... and in my experience that mostly comes down to living the gospel. Responding with kindness, patience, love. Doing my part to build up my own little Zion instead of tearing it down.
Today I am grateful for forgiveness.
** And, yes, I realize that this post is all over the place and probably makes zero sense to anyone reading it. Not that anyone really does read it, but whatevs. Today I needed to dump my thoughts. That's how I attempt to organize and work through them. I don't know if it worked or not.
Today I am grateful for forgiveness.
** And, yes, I realize that this post is all over the place and probably makes zero sense to anyone reading it. Not that anyone really does read it, but whatevs. Today I needed to dump my thoughts. That's how I attempt to organize and work through them. I don't know if it worked or not.
Monday, August 4, 2014
[gethsemane]
Jesus climbed the hill
To the garden still
His steps were heavy and slow
Love and a prayer
Took Him there
To the place only He could go
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So He went willingly
To Gethsemane
He felt all that was sad, wicked or bad
All the pain we would ever know
While His friends were asleep
He fought to keep
His promise made long ago
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So He went willingly
To Gethsemane
The hardest thing That ever was done
The greatest pain that ever was known
The biggest battle that ever was won
This was done by Jesus.
The fight was won by Jesus.
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So he gave His gift to me
In Gethsemane
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So he gives His gift to me
From Gethsemane
Saturday night I went to bed and found myself praying. That's not an unusual occurrence, but this night there were many dear friends on my heart...
In my little circle there are many that are struggling.
Aching.
Hurting.
Feeling lost.
Alone.
Afraid.
And just so sad.
Facing trials that could break them.
As I prayed, I kept repeating the phrase ...and please, Father, let them feel thy peace, the peace that only comes through the Atonement. Please...
With tears on my cheeks and a continued prayer in my heart, I closed my prayer and drifted off to sleep. As I was slipping into sleep, I heard this song. It's one of my favorites. But I've never heard it sung quite like I did that night. A chorus of angels were singing me to sleep, reminding me of the greatest gift I've been given. Helping me recognize and remember the love of our Father and our Savior.
This morning on Facebook, I read the update on our little friend Ethan that his mom posted last night...
For those who haven't heard, Ethan has gone steadily downhill on a slippery slope today. He has basically lost one function after another. We were told by the doctors that he will most likely not make it through this. The kids are on their way, and they will make sure to keep him alive until the kids can get here to say their goodbyes. There is a very small chance that things could turn around, but right now, it isn't looking good. I am so grateful for the plan of happiness, and the peace of the gospel. I don't know how we would do this without it.
He felt all that was SAD.
All of it.
Even this.
We're not alone.
We never have been.
We never will be.
I am so grateful.
To the garden still
His steps were heavy and slow
Love and a prayer
Took Him there
To the place only He could go
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So He went willingly
To Gethsemane
He felt all that was sad, wicked or bad
All the pain we would ever know
While His friends were asleep
He fought to keep
His promise made long ago
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So He went willingly
To Gethsemane
The hardest thing That ever was done
The greatest pain that ever was known
The biggest battle that ever was won
This was done by Jesus.
The fight was won by Jesus.
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So he gave His gift to me
In Gethsemane
Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So he gives His gift to me
From Gethsemane
Saturday night I went to bed and found myself praying. That's not an unusual occurrence, but this night there were many dear friends on my heart...
In my little circle there are many that are struggling.
Aching.
Hurting.
Feeling lost.
Alone.
Afraid.
And just so sad.
Facing trials that could break them.
As I prayed, I kept repeating the phrase ...and please, Father, let them feel thy peace, the peace that only comes through the Atonement. Please...
With tears on my cheeks and a continued prayer in my heart, I closed my prayer and drifted off to sleep. As I was slipping into sleep, I heard this song. It's one of my favorites. But I've never heard it sung quite like I did that night. A chorus of angels were singing me to sleep, reminding me of the greatest gift I've been given. Helping me recognize and remember the love of our Father and our Savior.
This morning on Facebook, I read the update on our little friend Ethan that his mom posted last night...
For those who haven't heard, Ethan has gone steadily downhill on a slippery slope today. He has basically lost one function after another. We were told by the doctors that he will most likely not make it through this. The kids are on their way, and they will make sure to keep him alive until the kids can get here to say their goodbyes. There is a very small chance that things could turn around, but right now, it isn't looking good. I am so grateful for the plan of happiness, and the peace of the gospel. I don't know how we would do this without it.
He felt all that was SAD.
All of it.
Even this.
We're not alone.
We never have been.
We never will be.
I am so grateful.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
[recognizing tender mercies]
Yesterday was started out as a hard day for me.
I was grumpy.
Short-tempered.
Sad.
McKayslin wanted a friend to play. I don't blame her. I didn't want to be around me either! She called to see if Ella could play. She could! :) They decided to play at Ella's house after lunch.
I dropped McKayslin off and ran in to get a few things in town. Callie and I were texting back and forth (and the girls were sending me hilarious pictures of themselves). I asked Cal when we should start our temple trade-off trips again. We've been talking about it since we decided to take the summer off from trading and have really missed going to the temple on a set schedule. Her text back was something along the lines of How about next week? Unless you want to go tonight!! A few more texts back and forth and it was decided that we'd start up again this week. As in last night. McKayslin was already at her house, so Luke and I would get the first trip.
I sent Luke a text telling him not to pick up McKayslin but to come home and get ready to go to the temple instead.
We made it to the chapel just seconds after the 3:30 session went up. We sat and listened to the music as we waited for the 4:00 session. The first hymn that I remember hearing was "In Humility Our Savior." And the only phrases I could remember from the hymn were... fill our hearts with sweet forgiving...teach us tolerance and love...then when we have proven worthy, of thy sacrifice divine, Lord, let us regain thy presence, and let thy glory round us shine.
The first two phrases were for me.
Very specifically.
And the last phrase, a promise and a reminder that Kenton is safe, well, and happy.
I could feel an underlying excitement running through me as I looked at the name on my card. Lena M. Alford. It was a different feeling than I'd had at the temple before. A feeling of anxious and excited energy. And then I felt the calm familiar feeling I get when Kenton is close. And I knew that we were exactly where we were supposed to be at exactly the right time.
The session was small. Less than 30 people. Throughout the session, I continued to feel both that anxious and excited feeling (which I'm thinking must have been Lena) and Kenton's calm and familiar presence. It made me smile.
During the session, as always, I found myself praying for peace.
For understanding.
For strength.
Usually there's a phrase that sticks out to me a little more than usual. Yesterday it was one simple word, directed at Satan from our Heavenly Father. Depart. Several other phrases became more clear to me as I understood more clearly than ever that the powers of Satan only become powers when we allow them to.
Depression is real. And it's scary.
Anger is real. And it's scary.
Feeling lost and alone and worthless is real. And it's scary.
At least in my life, those are the powers that Satan uses against me.
BUT GUESS WHAT?! He can't use them against me if I don't allow him to! Isn't that awesome?! I.am.in.charge of what I let in.
(Please allow me to add that I KNOW that, in some cases, simply saying he won't be allowed to use these powers does not give some the strength to fight against them without help from an outside source or a medical professional).
For me, I needed to be reminded that I get to choose.
I get to choose if I allow my sad or my mad or whatever I'm feeling that day to take over my day. To take over my week. I GET TO CHOOSE!!! I have to let myself feel each emotion. Locking them up would not be healthy. Or safe. But as I allow myself to feel the anger, the grief, the sadness, the loneliness, I don't have to stay there.
I.DON'T.HAVE.TO.STAY.THERE.
As the session progressed, the anxious excitement was getting stronger, pulling, frustrated that things weren't moving faster. It kind of made me giggle.
We prepared to move to the last part of the endowment. I heard Kenton say, "Mom, I have to go now, I'm proud of you. Thank you. I love you." And I felt him leave. I imagine he had one more thing to do to help Lena with this last step.
The sweet temple workers directed us to the final step. I could feel Lena tugging on my hand, urging my feet to move faster. I could feel her excitement and her gratitude. Several times I have had confirmation that the work I've done has been accepted. But nothing like yesterday. It was incredible. And such a blessing of peace for my heart to know that my boy is being the great missionary we knew he would be!
As it were, I was the first to enter the Celestial Room. I heard one more quiet thank you, and I was alone again. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes and I felt peace.
I know that's where we were supposed to be. And I know that we wouldn't have gone had Cal not been listening to a prompting and willing to keep McKayslin. I really do have the best friends.
As I was studying for my Sunday School lesson last night, I kept coming back to this part. "He gathers them so they will build temples and perform sacred ordinances for ancestors who have died without having this opportunity."
And more specifically to this phrase. This is what my friends do. They strengthen me so I can find protection from the unrighteous influences of this world.
In April, 2005, Elder Bednar gave the talk The Tender Mercies of the Lord...
I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase “the tender mercies of the Lord.” Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits “his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men” (D&C 46:15).
We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord...
I am thankful for the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ through the Prophet Joseph Smith and for the knowledge we have today about the Lord’s tender mercies. Our desires, faithfulness, and obedience invite and help us to discern His mercies in our lives. As one of His servants, I declare my witness that Jesus is the Christ, our Redeemer and our Savior. I know that He lives and that His tender mercies are available to all of us. Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days. May our hearts always be filled with gratitude for His abundant and tender mercies.
I was reminded, also, of President Eyring's talk in October of 2007. O Remember, Remember.
He loves us.
He blesses us more than most of us have yet recognized.
I add my testimony that I know Heavenly Father loves us.
I know He is very mindful of us.
And I know that most of the time, our prayers are answered because someone close to us was willing to act on a prompting He sent.
Today, I recognize.
And I remember.
I am so grateful.
I was grumpy.
Short-tempered.
Sad.
McKayslin wanted a friend to play. I don't blame her. I didn't want to be around me either! She called to see if Ella could play. She could! :) They decided to play at Ella's house after lunch.
I dropped McKayslin off and ran in to get a few things in town. Callie and I were texting back and forth (and the girls were sending me hilarious pictures of themselves). I asked Cal when we should start our temple trade-off trips again. We've been talking about it since we decided to take the summer off from trading and have really missed going to the temple on a set schedule. Her text back was something along the lines of How about next week? Unless you want to go tonight!! A few more texts back and forth and it was decided that we'd start up again this week. As in last night. McKayslin was already at her house, so Luke and I would get the first trip.
I sent Luke a text telling him not to pick up McKayslin but to come home and get ready to go to the temple instead.
The first two phrases were for me.
Very specifically.
And the last phrase, a promise and a reminder that Kenton is safe, well, and happy.
I could feel an underlying excitement running through me as I looked at the name on my card. Lena M. Alford. It was a different feeling than I'd had at the temple before. A feeling of anxious and excited energy. And then I felt the calm familiar feeling I get when Kenton is close. And I knew that we were exactly where we were supposed to be at exactly the right time.
The session was small. Less than 30 people. Throughout the session, I continued to feel both that anxious and excited feeling (which I'm thinking must have been Lena) and Kenton's calm and familiar presence. It made me smile.
During the session, as always, I found myself praying for peace. For understanding.
For strength.
Usually there's a phrase that sticks out to me a little more than usual. Yesterday it was one simple word, directed at Satan from our Heavenly Father. Depart. Several other phrases became more clear to me as I understood more clearly than ever that the powers of Satan only become powers when we allow them to.
Depression is real. And it's scary.
Anger is real. And it's scary.
Feeling lost and alone and worthless is real. And it's scary.
At least in my life, those are the powers that Satan uses against me.
BUT GUESS WHAT?! He can't use them against me if I don't allow him to! Isn't that awesome?! I.am.in.charge of what I let in.
(Please allow me to add that I KNOW that, in some cases, simply saying he won't be allowed to use these powers does not give some the strength to fight against them without help from an outside source or a medical professional).
For me, I needed to be reminded that I get to choose.
I get to choose if I allow my sad or my mad or whatever I'm feeling that day to take over my day. To take over my week. I GET TO CHOOSE!!! I have to let myself feel each emotion. Locking them up would not be healthy. Or safe. But as I allow myself to feel the anger, the grief, the sadness, the loneliness, I don't have to stay there.
I.DON'T.HAVE.TO.STAY.THERE.
As the session progressed, the anxious excitement was getting stronger, pulling, frustrated that things weren't moving faster. It kind of made me giggle.
We prepared to move to the last part of the endowment. I heard Kenton say, "Mom, I have to go now, I'm proud of you. Thank you. I love you." And I felt him leave. I imagine he had one more thing to do to help Lena with this last step.
The sweet temple workers directed us to the final step. I could feel Lena tugging on my hand, urging my feet to move faster. I could feel her excitement and her gratitude. Several times I have had confirmation that the work I've done has been accepted. But nothing like yesterday. It was incredible. And such a blessing of peace for my heart to know that my boy is being the great missionary we knew he would be!As it were, I was the first to enter the Celestial Room. I heard one more quiet thank you, and I was alone again. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes and I felt peace.
I know that's where we were supposed to be. And I know that we wouldn't have gone had Cal not been listening to a prompting and willing to keep McKayslin. I really do have the best friends.
And more specifically to this phrase. This is what my friends do. They strengthen me so I can find protection from the unrighteous influences of this world.
In April, 2005, Elder Bednar gave the talk The Tender Mercies of the Lord...
I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase “the tender mercies of the Lord.” Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits “his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men” (D&C 46:15).
We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord...
I am thankful for the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ through the Prophet Joseph Smith and for the knowledge we have today about the Lord’s tender mercies. Our desires, faithfulness, and obedience invite and help us to discern His mercies in our lives. As one of His servants, I declare my witness that Jesus is the Christ, our Redeemer and our Savior. I know that He lives and that His tender mercies are available to all of us. Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days. May our hearts always be filled with gratitude for His abundant and tender mercies.
I was reminded, also, of President Eyring's talk in October of 2007. O Remember, Remember.
I heard in my mind—not in my own voice—these words: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.”
I went inside. I didn’t go to bed. Although I was tired, I took out some paper and began to write. And as I did, I understood the message I had heard in my mind. I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family. Grandpa didn’t have to do what he was doing for us. He could have had someone else do it or not have done it at all. But he was serving us, his family, in the way covenant disciples of Jesus Christ always do. I knew that was true. And so I wrote it down, so that my children could have the memory someday when they would need it.
I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.
More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.
The years have gone by. My boys are grown men. And now and then one of them will surprise me by saying, “Dad, I was reading in my copy of the journal about when …” and then he will tell me about how reading of what happened long ago helped him notice something God had done in his day.
My point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness. It will build our testimonies. You may not keep a journal. You may not share whatever record you keep with those you love and serve. But you and they will be blessed as you remember what the Lord has done. You remember that song we sometimes sing: “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”2
It won’t be easy to remember. Living as we do with a veil over our eyes, we cannot remember what it was like to be with our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, in the premortal world; nor can we see with our physical eyes or with reason alone the hand of God in our lives. Seeing such things takes the Holy Ghost. And it is not easy to be worthy of the Holy Ghost’s companionship in a wicked world... Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him.He loves us.
He blesses us more than most of us have yet recognized.
I add my testimony that I know Heavenly Father loves us.
I know He is very mindful of us.
And I know that most of the time, our prayers are answered because someone close to us was willing to act on a prompting He sent.
Today, I recognize.
And I remember.
I am so grateful.
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