[37 weeks] [October 8, 2013]

October 8, 2013
37 weeks

Dear Kenton,

This morning started out rough.  Rougher, in fact, than many others.  I'm not sure why.  The only thing I can think is that I've been trying so much harder over the past month or so to just be better - to forgive more freely, to love more openly, to serve more willingly, and to spend time each day reading the scriptures and in thoughtful earnest prayer.

Every time we attempt to become closer to our Heavenly Father, Satan really steps in and tries to take hold on our hearts, make us feel that we're not worthy of the love of our Heavenly Father, that we should just give up, and go back to being slothful, lazy, grumpy...

Doctrine and Covenants Section 58:

2 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that ^akeepeth my commandments, whether in life or in ^bdeath; and he that is^cfaithful in ^dtribulation, the ^ereward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

 3 Ye cannot behold with your natural ^aeyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the ^bglory which shall follow after much tribulation.

 4 For after much ^atribulation come the ^bblessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be ^ccrowned with much ^dglory;

You are such a great example of being faithful in tribulation.  Never once did I hear you question your faith.  Never once did I see anger regarding your diagnosis, your treatment, your final diagnosis of terminal.  

I posted on the Team Kenton Facebook page "37 weeks and each seems more taxing than the last. Miss you, my boy. Love you forever."

We have some pretty great people on our team, my boy.  Do you know how I know that?  

Because today was actually an okay day.  And a day that starts out like that and ends out okay has to have some pretty heartfelt prayers going up on my behalf.  So many people that have never met you, me, our family, have been praying for us since they first learned of your diagnosis in June of 2012.  Those prayers continue.  And they bring the strength and peace that we need.

Tonight after our weekly visit to the cemetery...

...and traditional stop at McDonald's for dinner, Dad had YM early, McKayslin was playing with the littles, Grammy was reading a book, and I needed to go to town to get shampoo and conditioner.  

I had every intention of going straight to Wal-Mart and straight home.  As I was driving, thinking, praying, somehow I didn't really notice where I was going until I ended up in the temple parking lot... (pretty scary to think of, but since I'm certain I was supposed to be at the temple tonight, there were a legion of angels directing traffic and guiding my car - and pretty sure you were sitting there riding shotgun which is just downright awesome!).

I didn't have my temple clothing in the car.  But I did have my recommend.  And, interestingly enough (?!), I had worn a skirt to school today, so I was dressed in appropriate attire for temple attendance.  I sent Roma a quick text to see if she could keep McKayslin a little longer than planned, stepped out of the car, snapped a quick photo...

...and headed into the temple.  
I chose to do initiatory.  
Or, more accurately, I was told to do initiatory.  
You, my boy, are pretty persuasive.  

You knew that I needed to hear those blessings again.  
To be reminded of the promises made to me by my Heavenly Father.  
Thanks for getting me there tonight.
You know me so well.  
LOVE YOU!

Over the past few weeks, things have happened and things have been said and implied, that without going into detail, because details would hurt others, and that's not my intention, have really knocked me for a loop, set me into a tailspin, and kicked my mom guilt into overdrive.  

As I've prayed for comfort, for peace, for understanding, for the ability to forgive, I've felt as I've gotten nowhere.  That I've been stuck in this place that hurts and threatens to break me.  Tonight, as I participated in the initiatory  two phrases were emphasized each time - "Your sins are forgiven you and you are clean..." and "...your shoulders that they may bear the burdens placed upon them..."  (those may or may not be the exact phrases, but they're close).

And I left the temple feeling as if I'd walked into a room filled with brilliant light, with the love of our Savior, and I could feel your arm linked with mine as we walked to the car together.  Forgiveness.  Strength.  Tonight was a miracle that I truly, completely needed.

I still don't understand why you had to go.  
I doubt that, until the Millennium, I will understand.
Every day is a battle to just be okay.
We're doing our best.
Some days are better than others.
Some days just hurt.

We know you're nearby.  
Watching over us.  
Helping us.  
Loving us.  
Missing us.
Thanks for that.

We miss you.
We love you.
We are blessed to be your forever family.

Love you, LOVE YOU!
Love,
Mom