August 13, 2013
29 weeks
Hey, buddy!
I loved being in the temple this morning.
I feel you so close when I'm there. I know that the work you're doing there can only be completed with work done here. Doing my best to get there often and help you out. :)
Tonight, as usual, we headed up to the cemetery. McKayslin had chosen a very special little horse to leave there for you.
We were trying to decide what it should be named. I *think* she settled on STAR, but I'm not sure. We chuckled as we remembered that when you were little little, every one of your animals was named a treat name - caramel, fudge, brownie, chocolate chip. And then when you were little, every.single.horse you had was named Denny (because you loved The Man From Snowy River that much!). It's fun to share those memories with McKayslin. Those memories keep you close.
Kena stopped while we were there. Left you a little something. I didn't think to get a photo. I will next time we head up. Your friends still talk about you. They still miss you. And I love that they still talk to us. Sometimes it's really hard because my mind starts to play the "what if" game, or I dwell too long on the "if Kenton were here, what would he be doing right now?" But I don't want them to avoid us. Or stop talking to us. Their love of you that they so freely share with us keeps you close.
Are you seeing a theme there?! Clearly we're starting to figure out what we need to do to keep you close. ;) LOVE YOU, pal!
Monday morning we'd taken Grammy to therapy and gone over to Lee's to pick up a few things. Robert saw us and made a point to come over and talk to us. He and his wife Kristi were among the first cancer fighter parents to reach out to us. As a fellow angel parent, no words were necessary as we clasped hands in a firm handshake.
We did visit for a few minutes, drawing strength from our shared experiences, and as we parted with tear rimmed eyes, I was reminded again of one of the first posts I read on Tanner's blog...a post that reminds me so very much of you, my own little brave soul:
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.
Later, McKayslin and I were sitting in the waiting room, waiting. Well, duh, what the heck else would we be doing in the waiting room?! Whatevs. McKayslin was coloring, and I was reading from the October 2002 conference Ensign on my tablet. I had loaded that issue on Sunday when a talk was referred to during the lesson. However, as I scrolled down through the talks, the title of one caught my eye...BUT IF NOT. I don't exactly remember that talk from conference. You would have been 2. Pretty sure you were roping Grammy during that session which made it a little bit difficult to listen and pay attention. I clicked on the title and the talk opened up. I began to read and had the hardest time keeping tears from just spilling down my cheeks right there in the waiting room (where we were waiting, remember?).
Mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time.”
Some of my richest memories are associated with weekend assignments to stake conferences as I have accompanied a stake president in visits to members of his stake wrestling with life’s challenges in courage and faith, especially those who have lost a child...I know from poignant personal experience that there is no night quite so dark as the loss of a child.
And so today I wish to speak to all who are struggling in this laboratory of applied faith that is called mortality—and in particular to those bereaved, burdened, and grieving parents who beseechingly ask, “Why?”
First, please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father.
Next, do not ever doubt the goodness of God, even if you do not know “why.” The overarching question asked by the bereaved and the burdened is simply this:
Why? Why did our daughter die, when we prayed so hard that she would live and when she received
priesthood blessings?
Why are we struggling with this misfortune, when others relate miraculous healing experiences for their loved ones? These are natural questions, understandable questions. But they are also questions that usually go begging in mortality. The Lord has said simply, “My ways [are] higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” (
Isa. 55:9). As the Son’s will was “swallowed up in the will of the Father” (
Mosiah 15:7), so must ours be.
Still, we mortals quite naturally want to know the why. Yet, in pressing too earnestly for the answer, we may forget that mortality was designed, in a manner of speaking, as the season of unanswered questions. Mortality has a different, more narrowly defined purpose: It is a proving ground, a probationary state, a time to walk by faith, a time to prepare to meet God (see, for example,
Abr. 3:24–25;
2 Ne. 31:15–16, 20;
Alma 12:24;
Alma 42:4–13). It is in nurturing humility (see
Alma 32:6–21) and submissiveness (see
Mosiah 3:19) that we may comprehend a fulness of the intended mortal experience and put ourselves in a frame of mind and heart to receive the promptings of the Spirit. Reduced to their essence, humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the “why” questions go unanswered for now, or perhaps even to ask, “Why not?” It is in enduring well to the end (see
2 Ne. 31:15–16;
Alma 32:15;
D&C 121:8) that we achieve this life’s purposes. I believe that mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time” (
D&C 64:32).
But the Lord has not left us comfortless or without any answers. As to the healing of the sick, He has clearly said: “And again, it shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed,
and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed” (
D&C 42:48; emphasis added). All too often we overlook the qualifying phrase “and is not appointed unto death” (“or,” we might add, “unto sickness or handicap”). Please do not despair when fervent prayers have been offered and priesthood blessings performed and your loved one makes no improvement or even passes from mortality. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could. Such faith, fasting, and blessing could not be in vain! That your child did not recover in spite of all that was done in his behalf can and should be the basis for peace and reassurance to all who love him!
The Lord—who inspires the blessings and who hears every earnest prayer—called him home nonetheless. All the experiences of prayer, fasting, and faith may well have been more for
our benefit than for his.
...I know that his path through mortality was intended by a kind Heavenly Father to be shorter and easier than ours and that he has now hurried on ahead to be a welcoming presence when we likewise eventually cross that same fateful threshold.
This talk calmed my soul, eased the ache of my heart just a bit, and helped me realize that the depth of my pain mirrors the depth of my love for you. That love will never change. It will never go away. And because of that, the sadness and the anguish that I feel will also remain. Some days are easier than others. Some days are so painful that it's all I can do to crawl out of bed and make myself do anything at all.
This morning on the way to the temple, I plugged my phone in and opened Pandora to my "Sunday" station. The first song that played was Hilary Weeks' "He'll Carry You."
He knows your heart; He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today,
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers, each humble word
When you said you could not face another day, he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he's never left your side
-Chorus-
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes can see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he'll comfort you until you know the sun will rise
Each new day you will have the strength to live again
And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes can see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He hears you when you're crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to fight
Till the morning will come and the light of the dawn reassures
That in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes can see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do, He will lift your heavy load and carry you.
Coincidence? I've stopped believing in coincidences...
Last night we headed up the canyon (along with about half of Hyrum city) to check out the fires that are burning on our mountains. We were lucky enough to get to hang out with our dear friends the McBrides for a while. Daddy got to play traffic control. McKayslin and I visited with Kylee and Joanne. We are so blessed with amazing friends. Banana Brad misses you. I feel it in every hug. See it every time I see him. He brought a loaf of banana bread the other day. Your favorite. Each time I start to feel alone, like no one understands, or cares, or remembers, someone does something and I'm reminded that we are not alone.
We left the fire and took Kylee and Joanne home, stopping for a drink on the way back through Hyrum. My eyes had a hard time not crying when Alyssa said, "Drinks are on me tonight. You guys are awesome and so inspiring! Thank you!" You would be amazed how many people know your name. Know your legacy. You're pretty much awesome!
And so, my brave son, I finish this week's letter with a gentle reminder that you have unlocked so much goodness and love in people's hearts. You have created miracles. We're doing our best to continue the work you started.
Knowing that you're free from pain and safe in our Father's care gives me peace. And knowing that our Savior stands ready to provide peace, strength, and comfort allows me to tackle each new day...
I so wish I could take each of my friends, look them straight in the eye, and sing these words to them. But that might be a little frightening for them, so I'll share them here again.
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes can see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he'll comfort you until you know the sun will rise
Each new day you will have the strength to live again
And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes can see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
Have a great week my handsome warrior! The world is a better place because of you!
Love you more than Snickers Bars and Diet Coke! ;)
I love you. I miss you.
Love,
Mom
Sometimes I pretend that you're just on a mission. And then I catch a glimpse of your photo on the wall, or the cast of your hand intertwined with McKayslin's. And I remember. 
