Monday, August 19, 2013

[August 20, 2013]

August 20, 2013 30 weeks 

Oh, my handsome boy, 

Today I am angry. 

7 months ago we brought you home. 

In our hearts we believed we had time with you. 

Time for memories. Time for favorite traditions, favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite games favorite places, favorite people. 

Time. 

We didn't get any of that. 

We had two days. 

One day where you felt okay, but slept a lot. 
And one day where you slept nearly the entire day assisted by necessary oxygen and morphine. 

No favorite foods. No favorite movies. No favorite traditions. No favorite games. No favorite places. 2 days. 

And then, you were gone. 

Not until the eternities will we get to see your smile again. Feel your hugs. Hear your voice, your laugh. Receive a picture you drew, or a note your wrote. 

I cry all the time.
I hurt. 
I'm sad. 
And I'm angry. 

School starts in 2 days. 
Your 8th grade year. 
Back to school traditions. 

Without you. 

It isn't fair.
It isn't okay. 

I'm saying it out loud again. 
I.AM.ANGRY. 

Yes, I realize this is part of the grieving process. I think that's a step I skipped when the requirements of full time work resumed. It's pretty difficult to be an effective, loving first grade teacher when your whole being is filled with such soul shattering anger... 

Within the walls of this anger phase, there is so much guilt, so much sadness, so many 'what if's, and so many unanswered questions. 

I don't know why you had to leave so soon. 
Why you had to leave at all... 

And I don't know how to make it okay in my heart. 

So for today, for right now, for this stage, I'm taking 5 to be angry. It may be 5 days. It may be 5 weeks. 

And today, I'll watch that video of you singing happy birthday to me. 
And I'll cry. 

I.miss.you. 

Love you forever. 

Love, 
Mom

3 comments:

Unknown said...

It's OK to be angry.
I wish you could have had more time.
I don't think there is ever enough time. One thing that I have observed about your family is that you really did make the most of the time you had. Not just when Kenton become sick. Before that.

I get caught up in things. My kids get pushed aside. I always think I have time. I know I have wasted a lot of it.

I know this won't take away your pain... but I know you did GREAT things with the time you had. And I know that Kenton knew how much you loved him. And love him still.

You are a good Mom and a good person. And you are entitled to feel angry. It's OK.

<3

Unknown said...

I don't know why that shown up as unknown, but it's from me.

- Karen Harris

Dani said...

You're angry. And that's ok. I'm angry for you. My anger comes from seeing my friend in pain. From knowing that she is hurting. Knowing that there is really nothing I can say or do to fix it.

I don't have any wise words for you. I don't know how to help you. But I want you to know that I am here. Always here, supporting you. It's ok to be angry. But also remember that you are loved.