May 7, 2013
Good morning, son. I love you!
The past week has been an interesting one for sure. You've been working on softening this hard old broken heart of mine. There are a couple of instances where the words coming out of my mouth or the my actions were not me - they were all you. Thank you for that. I guess I thought it would be easier to just not care about people the way that I used to. That somehow that would make it easier to have you gone? I don't know. What I do know is that after one such action, your Dad looked at me and said, "Your son is proud of you for that..." I don't want to disappoint you, or any of the people who love me, so I've promised myself to attempt to keep my heart open. Definitely easier said than done.
Friday night I went to pick McKayslin up from Heather Mom's house after school. Heather was doing McKayslin's hair for the ballet, so we were all just talking. I didn't realize EliGus was on the floor in the living room until I heard him just start jabbering. I looked over and he was looking right at me. Heather and I have said many times that we know you're close to EliGus. Hailey is one of your dearest friends, and I know you worry about her, so it makes sense that you would be close to EliGus, thus allowing you to be close to Hailey.
Just a little background knowledge...over the past month or so, EliGus has regarded me with such seriousness. He would smile at Dad. He would smile at McKayslin. He would smile at everyone. Except me. When he looked at me, it was with big serious eyes as if he were trying to tell me something. Over the past month as my heart became increasingly less open and less loving, EliGus continued to just stare into my eyes. No smiles. No jabbering. Just that soul searching stare. He's 6 months old. And would hold that stare until I broke it.
Friday night as I realized he was talking to me, I walked over and knelt down next to him. He looked right at me, smiled, and continued to talk.
Pretty sure you've been asking EliGus to tell me that I need to be kinder, more loving, more forgiving with others and myself. And once I figured that out, was when he started smiling and talking to me again. Sorry I'm such a slow learner.
This past weekend we went to Idaho for Acadia's baby blessing. I thought it was going to be a very difficult thing to be there - the first big family function on my side of the family without you. And a baby blessing no less. You have always loved babies! Here you are back in 2009 holding Acadia's big sister. You tried really hard to convince Uncle Chaddy and Aunt Jess to let you bring her home with us!
This morning I was thinking back to when you found out you had to have a bone marrow transplant and that meant that the opportunity of having your own biological children would be slim to none. You were more devastated by that news than the news of the actual bone marrow transplant. And then, I watched you as you closed your eyes and said a prayer. Your tears ceased and there was a brightness about your countenance. When you opened your eyes, with a smile you said, "That just means I can adopt! And babies that wouldn't have a Daddy to love them can have ME!" Such a big heart and so wise for your age.
When you found out that the cancer was terminal, you cried in such anguish for the loss of so many things - two of your biggest heartbreaks were that you wouldn't get to go on a mission, get married, and adopt those babies! What comfort was received when in your patriarchal blessing you were told that your earthly mission WAS complete and that your Heavenly Father had a greater mission for you. You were promised that you would have a wife and children. One of your favorite "big" friends told his mom that he was pretty sure Heavenly Father already had someone special picked out for you.
So back to this weekend. I thought for sure it would be a really difficult weekend. Surprisingly, it wasn't. As we walked into the church, Aunt Jess handed Acadia to McKayslin and we all went to sit down. That sweet baby looked right into my eyes and started jabbering. And then she smiled. Pretty sure you were talking to her just then. We could feel you so close. Later, both Uncle Chaddy and Aunt Jess said they were sure you had been getting Acadia to smile. She's the one that saw you last. So many things I wish she could tell us!
The opening hymn was #123. Perfectly fitting and much needed. Not one I was familiar with, but it has now become a favorite!
Oh, may my soul commune with thee
And find thy holy peace;
From worldly care and pain of fear,
Please bring me sweet release.
Oh, bless me when I worship thee
To keep my heart in tune,
That I may hear thy still, small voice,
And, Lord, with thee commune.
Enfold me in thy quiet hour
And gently guide my mind
To seek thy will, to know thy ways,
And thy sweet Spirit find.
LORD, GRANT ME THY ABIDING LOVE
AND MAKE MY TURMOIL CEASE.
OH, MAY MY SOUL COMMUNE WITH THEE
AND FIND THY HOLY PEACE.
As Uncle Chaddy took Acadia to the front, surrounded by so many of the same priesthood holders who had stood with Daddy as he blessed you, there was a very distinct spirit in the chapel. As I closed my eyes and Uncle Chaddy began the blessing, I suddenly felt you so strongly that I could hardly breathe. I felt as if you had your arms wrapped around me in the biggest, tightest hug you'd ever given me. My heart smiled. How grateful I am for that few moments. I miss those hugs.
Mama Locco made us dinner last night. Lasagna. Your favorite! And Kristy sent dessert home after McKayslin's violin lesson. Chocolate cupcakes with strawberries and whipped cream. Another favorite! We have great friends. So many times we are blessed with exactly what we need because our friends pray and look for opportunities to serve. In Mosiah 18:8-9 we read..."and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; ...and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." We're trying to be those kinds of friends. The kind of friend you always have been to others.
I miss you. Thank you for being my boy. I'm so blessed to be the mom of such incredibly strong and faithful kiddos.
Keep working hard. Keep smiling. We'll do the same.
Love you much!