Tuesday, April 30, 2013

{April 30, 2013}

April 30, 2013

Good morning my most handsome son, my brave warrior, my angel boy!

I have so many thoughts rumbling around in my brain this morning.  So many things to talk to you about.  And missing you so much.  14 weeks since I held you, heard you, hugged you.  Sometimes it feels like you've been gone forever.  And others like it was just yesterday that you were here.  I like those days best.  When you feel so close to us. 

I have to clarify from a couple of weeks ago about my selfishness...had I known all along that come January you'd be fine actually meant come January you'd be fine in Heaven, I NEVER would have left your side.  All of our relationships would have stayed cemented just as they were.  You and Dad wouldn't have become buddies like you were able to, and McKayslin and I wouldn't have the relationship that we have now.  Heavenly Father knows us so well.

Disneyland was fantastic.  And not as hard as I'd imagined it would be.  Maybe because all of the memories Dad, McKayslin and I made there were new memories - we'd never been to Disneyland as an earthly family of 4.  We missed you so much, and I found myself talking to you in my head (that makes me sound more than a little crazy!) on the rides where the seats only held two people and McKayslin was riding with Dad, or on the rides where there was just enough room for one more person on the bench (like Pirates and Small World), but I only teared up twice.  Once when we asked the lady that cuts silhouettes to cut one of you also from a photo on my phone.  I had to just walk away.  The other time was right after that when we were looking for frames for the silhouettes and I found the cutest Dopey figurine.  I couldn't even talk.  I just stood there and held it.  Dad and McKayslin knew I needed it, so Dad bought it for me.  

But then we came home.  We flew into SLC and could see the temple and the hospital.  And we got in our car and drove home.  The last time we made that drive, you were with us.  Coming home.  I got quieter and quieter on the drive.  It's so hard to not have you here.

Home made me sad.  Bringing in only 3 suitcases.  Seeing your room exactly as it was when we left.  Being reminded that our earthly family only has 3 people now.  Home where everything has a Kenton memory attached to it.

When McKayslin said family prayer last night, she was asking Heavenly Father to tell you that we love you, just like every time we pray, and then she added, "And please tell Kenton how much we love him, and miss him, and how much we missed him at Disneyland when we felt so lopsided."  It's true.  She said it exactly.

I had a rough night.  McKayslin took good care of me though.  Daddy would have, but McKayslin kicked him out.  Thanks for letting me feel you near last night.  I know you're around often and I'm so grateful for that.  You always helped me remember to be kinder, more patient.

I'll come back later, or another day, to write more.  I want you to know that when the taxi driver asked if we only had one child and I answered yes, my heart tore right in half. She spoke such broken English and I didn't want to burst into tears right there in the taxi explaining that you were my angel boy.  But you have to know that I have TWO children.  I'll always be YOUR mom and you'll always be MY boy.  I wasn't prepared how to answer that question...I'm so sorry son.  I LOVE YOU!

Keep working hard.  Keep being awesome.  Thanks for teaching me so many things and for loving me so unconditionally.  "We promised Him we would do this, so let's show Him that we can."  You're amazing, my boy.

I'd better get McKayslin woken up, Sparky taken potty, and myself ready for school.  Please know how much we miss you and how much we love you.  We'll stop by the cemetery this afternoon and bring you a little sunshine.  We found the most awesome prize for you at Disneyland, but we won't bring that just yet.  We need to find a way to keep it safe at the cemetery first...

Project Elder Reynolds is rolling forward - so many people reading the Book of Mormon and sharing their testimonies.  It's awesome!  Thanks for helping us be better!!

LOVE YOU!  MISS YOU!  Think about you all the time!  

Biggest Mom hugs, and giant slobbery Mom kisses...

All my love forever, for always, and no matter what!

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