Wednesday, August 7, 2013

[August 7, 2013]

August 7, 2013
28 weeks

Hey, pal!  

Sorry I'm a day late.  
I just couldn't sit down and write anything out yesterday.  

Too much emotion.  
Too much pain.  
Too much anger.  
Too much guilt.  

Everything was just too much.

I think I've hit the guilt and anger phase of grief, because let me tell you, I am mad about every.single.thing.  And every memory that crosses my mind is laced with guilt.  There was always more that could have been done, should have been done.  I should have said/done this or that instead of what I did.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate that my tears are tears of anger and guilt instead of tears of sadness.  

Don't get me wrong, those tears are there too.  Plenty of them.  

Monday night was so hard.  I'm not exactly sure how I made it this far, past your first birthday in heaven and the 6 month mark of you being gone, up to now and am just now completely falling apart?!

Is it that school starts in just over 2 weeks?  Is it that Grammy's surgery and consequent care bring back so many emotions and memories?  Is is that I just need to sleep more?  Eat better?  Take care of myself a little bit?  Probably all of that.  And then some.

I know that you're close because I feel you here, arms around me, telling me that I am good enough.  
That I did enough.  
That I am enough.  

Yet, Satan has a pretty strong hold on me this week and I am doubting every.single.thing that I know.  When I get to my lowest point each night, lying in bed, crying myself to sleep, I am blessed with the tender mercies of feeling you near and hearing the words spoken during a priesthood blessing when I was told that I understood better than most the importance of spending time with my children and that because of that understanding, my children knew how much I loved them.  

I hear that, and yet I still question.  I feel so weak...

15 years ago today, Daddy and I were married, sealed for time and all eternity.  How grateful I am for that.  To know that you and McKayslin are part of our forever family.  

I love you son!  
Don't give up on me.  
I'll be okay.  

What was that you made us agree to?  
5 to be mad, 5 to be sad, then suck it up and get on with life?!  

Well, my 5 to be mad, 5 to be sad may be days instead of minutes this month, but I won't back out on my agreement with you.  

I love you forever.  
Thanks for loving me right back.

Big mom hugs and big mom kisses coming your way...

Love you LOVE YOU!