I was grumpy.
McKayslin wanted a friend to play. I don't blame her. I didn't want to be around me either! She called to see if Ella could play. She could! :) They decided to play at Ella's house after lunch.
I dropped McKayslin off and ran in to get a few things in town. Callie and I were texting back and forth (and the girls were sending me hilarious pictures of themselves). I asked Cal when we should start our temple trade-off trips again. We've been talking about it since we decided to take the summer off from trading and have really missed going to the temple on a set schedule. Her text back was something along the lines of How about next week? Unless you want to go tonight!! A few more texts back and forth and it was decided that we'd start up again this week. As in last night. McKayslin was already at her house, so Luke and I would get the first trip.
I sent Luke a text telling him not to pick up McKayslin but to come home and get ready to go to the temple instead.
We made it to the chapel just seconds after the 3:30 session went up. We sat and listened to the music as we waited for the 4:00 session. The first hymn that I remember hearing was "In Humility Our Savior." And the only phrases I could remember from the hymn were... fill our hearts with sweet forgiving...teach us tolerance and love...then when we have proven worthy, of thy sacrifice divine, Lord, let us regain thy presence, and let thy glory round us shine.
The first two phrases were for me.
And the last phrase, a promise and a reminder that Kenton is safe, well, and happy.
I could feel an underlying excitement running through me as I looked at the name on my card. Lena M. Alford. It was a different feeling than I'd had at the temple before. A feeling of anxious and excited energy. And then I felt the calm familiar feeling I get when Kenton is close. And I knew that we were exactly where we were supposed to be at exactly the right time.
The session was small. Less than 30 people. Throughout the session, I continued to feel both that anxious and excited feeling (which I'm thinking must have been Lena) and Kenton's calm and familiar presence. It made me smile.
During the session, as always, I found myself praying for peace.
Usually there's a phrase that sticks out to me a little more than usual. Yesterday it was one simple word, directed at Satan from our Heavenly Father. Depart. Several other phrases became more clear to me as I understood more clearly than ever that the powers of Satan only become powers when we allow them to.
Depression is real. And it's scary.
Anger is real. And it's scary.
Feeling lost and alone and worthless is real. And it's scary.
At least in my life, those are the powers that Satan uses against me.
BUT GUESS WHAT?! He can't use them against me if I don't allow him to! Isn't that awesome?! I.am.in.charge of what I let in.
(Please allow me to add that I KNOW that, in some cases, simply saying he won't be allowed to use these powers does not give some the strength to fight against them without help from an outside source or a medical professional).
For me, I needed to be reminded that I get to choose.
I get to choose if I allow my sad or my mad or whatever I'm feeling that day to take over my day. To take over my week. I GET TO CHOOSE!!! I have to let myself feel each emotion. Locking them up would not be healthy. Or safe. But as I allow myself to feel the anger, the grief, the sadness, the loneliness, I don't have to stay there.
As the session progressed, the anxious excitement was getting stronger, pulling, frustrated that things weren't moving faster. It kind of made me giggle.
We prepared to move to the last part of the endowment. I heard Kenton say, "Mom, I have to go now, I'm proud of you. Thank you. I love you." And I felt him leave. I imagine he had one more thing to do to help Lena with this last step.
The sweet temple workers directed us to the final step. I could feel Lena tugging on my hand, urging my feet to move faster. I could feel her excitement and her gratitude. Several times I have had confirmation that the work I've done has been accepted. But nothing like yesterday. It was incredible. And such a blessing of peace for my heart to know that my boy is being the great missionary we knew he would be!
As it were, I was the first to enter the Celestial Room. I heard one more quiet thank you, and I was alone again. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes and I felt peace.
I know that's where we were supposed to be. And I know that we wouldn't have gone had Cal not been listening to a prompting and willing to keep McKayslin. I really do have the best friends.
As I was studying for my Sunday School lesson last night, I kept coming back to this part. "He gathers them so they will build temples and perform sacred ordinances for ancestors who have died without having this opportunity."
And more specifically to this phrase. This is what my friends do. They strengthen me so I can find protection from the unrighteous influences of this world.
In April, 2005, Elder Bednar gave the talk The Tender Mercies of the Lord...
I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase “the tender mercies of the Lord.” Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits “his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men” (D&C 46:15).
We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord...
I am thankful for the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ through the Prophet Joseph Smith and for the knowledge we have today about the Lord’s tender mercies. Our desires, faithfulness, and obedience invite and help us to discern His mercies in our lives. As one of His servants, I declare my witness that Jesus is the Christ, our Redeemer and our Savior. I know that He lives and that His tender mercies are available to all of us. Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days. May our hearts always be filled with gratitude for His abundant and tender mercies.
I was reminded, also, of President Eyring's talk in October of 2007. O Remember, Remember.
I heard in my mind—not in my own voice—these words: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.”
I went inside. I didn’t go to bed. Although I was tired, I took out some paper and began to write. And as I did, I understood the message I had heard in my mind. I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family. Grandpa didn’t have to do what he was doing for us. He could have had someone else do it or not have done it at all. But he was serving us, his family, in the way covenant disciples of Jesus Christ always do. I knew that was true. And so I wrote it down, so that my children could have the memory someday when they would need it.
I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.
More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.
The years have gone by. My boys are grown men. And now and then one of them will surprise me by saying, “Dad, I was reading in my copy of the journal about when …” and then he will tell me about how reading of what happened long ago helped him notice something God had done in his day.
My point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness. It will build our testimonies. You may not keep a journal. You may not share whatever record you keep with those you love and serve. But you and they will be blessed as you remember what the Lord has done. You remember that song we sometimes sing: “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”2It won’t be easy to remember. Living as we do with a veil over our eyes, we cannot remember what it was like to be with our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, in the premortal world; nor can we see with our physical eyes or with reason alone the hand of God in our lives. Seeing such things takes the Holy Ghost. And it is not easy to be worthy of the Holy Ghost’s companionship in a wicked world... Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him.
He loves us.
He blesses us more than most of us have yet recognized.
I add my testimony that I know Heavenly Father loves us.
I know He is very mindful of us.
And I know that most of the time, our prayers are answered because someone close to us was willing to act on a prompting He sent.
Today, I recognize.
And I remember.
I am so grateful.