Tuesday, March 19, 2013

{March 19, 2013}

March 19, 2103

Dear Kenton,

8 weeks.  Sometimes it feels like you have been gone forever.  We miss you.  A lot.  We still cry nearly every day, but every once in a while, we go a whole day without tears (crying in the shower or the middle of the night doesn't count, right?!).  We talk about you often, lots of memories and remember whens.

People keep telling us how strong we are.  Or that we're amazing. That's probably because they only see us when we have our "game faces" on during the day.  Because we certainly don't feel very strong, and we certainly don't feel amazing.  We are just plugging along day after day trying to adapt, adjust, and heal.

I hate Tuesdays. 

7 weeks ago, on a Tuesday, we had your funeral and laid your mortal remains to rest. 

8 weeks ago, on a Tuesday, was the last time we heard your voice, held your hand, gave you hugs, and were together as an earthly family of 4. 

I know that families are forever.  This is the last family photo we have, taken that last Friday in the hospital - the week after they told us your leukemia and GVHD were untreatable - the day we spent all day playing our favorite games and watching our favorite movies...making forever memories.  We have a pretty great forever family.

I'm so grateful for that knowledge. 

But it doesn't make me hate Tuesdays any less. 
The other night we were watching videos of you and McKayslin - there is that awesome one of you guys being Pinky and Stripey last February.  It made us smile.  We watched the video of you and McKayslin reading "Me First!"  Love that book...haven't been able to read it since you left because it makes me cry. That's your all time favorite book.  I'm so glad you were able to share it with McKayslin before you died.  We watched the video of you singing to McKayslin and I via Skype.  Awesome!  Love your made up songs!!  :)

We have so many memories.  And, gratefully, so few regrets.  We're doing our best to honor our promise to keep up with our family traditions and to do fun things with McKayslin. 

I'd better go.  Time to get the Little Goose woken up and ready for school.  She misses you so much.  We all do.

Love you, handsome!



luckeyfrog said...

I know when I lost my dad, it took a lot of strength even to put on a game face at all. I know you're just in survival mode and that may not feel like something worth being honored... but honestly, surviving in and of itself is something that takes strength.

I have been so touched by reading about your family over the past... wow, almost year. You have been inspiring, not because you've dealt with something hard, but because you've handled it honestly and with as much hope as anyone could dare. You have inspired me to take more time for the little things, take more pictures of everyday moments, and cherish the things I might otherwise take for granted.

Hugs from Indiana- wish I could give you some in person!


Dani said...

You *are* strong and amazing. You were strong and amazing before you were handed this trial. Since then, you've proven over and over again how strong and amazing you really are. It has nothing to do with your "game face." It has everything to do with who you are. You and your family are such an inspiration to so many people. I feel honored to know you and call you my friend.

I have a feeling that Kenton is very proud of you guys.

angieS said...

It breaks my heart to see all the sweet kids that are losing their battle with this horrible disease. I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain, and for you even having to put on your game face. No parent should ever have to go thru what you've been thru and no child what your sweet baby went thru.
Hugs to you from Tennessee.

Annetta Bunce said...

I know you never would have chosen to be, but you are a real Hero to me, Deb. Kenton is such an amazing person. Not many understand exactly what you are going though, but hundreds of hearts are broken for you.