The New Year's Eve celebrations and traditions just about did me in. I think I spent as much time hiding in the bathroom as I did actually celebrating. I just kept thinking, "Stupid holidays. Stupid traditions." As much as I wanted to be cheerful and happy and positive, I just couldn't beat down the anxiety and heartache for very long at any given time.
In fact, I would have just as soon climbed into bed around 9 and skipped the whole ringing in the new year altogether.
Does that make me a bad mom? Perhaps.
We started with fireworks at the cemetery to celebrate with Kenton.
It was cold.
I know he appreciated the effort and the fireworks.
Then we watched a movie and made bags. Luke didn't want to make shirts again this year. That was our Kenton thing. I think he was hurting too much this year too.
At 9 we played Operation and the new game McKayslin got for her birthday from Christiansens.
At 10:30 we watched a movie.
At midnight we lit fireworks here at home and sprayed silly string and had sprinkle pancakes.
And went to bed.
I'm sure the whole evening was equal parts successful and crappy for McKayslin.
I wish I could do better.
In trying to figure out just why this holiday was so much harder than Christmas even, the only thing I could come up with is that when 2015 started, that would be our 2nd full year starting without our boy. I don't think that makes sense to anyone else. Most of the time nothing I think even makes sense to me.
We started another whole year without our Kenton.
And in 20 days we will recognize Kenton's angel day.
Yet another painful day of reminders of all of the things we won't get to do with our Kenton. A reminder that we won't get to make any new memories. Or take any new pictures. Or hear that laugh. See that smile. Get those hugs.
We always miss him.
Some days we just miss him harder than others.
Yesterday was an interesting day. We're all a bit on edge.
Tired. Worn down.
Ready to return to a routine.
Our house feels claustrophobic.
I decided to take the ©CleanMama #clutterfree30 challenge.
I didn't tell Luke. I just started cleaning out a cupboard (yesterday's challenge was 3 bags of clutter gathered in 30 minutes).
In that one cupboard I found a full garbage can full of expired hot chocolate (like 2009 expired), medicine, and cans of food. Luke jumped right in to help, and together we cleared 7 of the 8 cupboards on the east side of the kitchen. 3 garbage cans full and a big box to donate.
We kept going.
By the end of the day (today's challenge is actually the pantry clean sweep, but we did it together yesterday), we had cleaned the kitchen, done some organization, and cleaned out the whole downstairs pantry.
It was fun working together and the results were awesome.
What wasn't awesome was the amount of food that had to be thrown away.
Lessons are sometimes pretty expensive.
With each bag out of the house, I felt a little lighter, a little better.
Last night I was that good kind of exhausted that comes from working really hard and getting something finished.
Today I start on my craft room.
It's kind of the crap room right now.
The holding pen for the wayward stuff that doesn't have a home.
One day it will be a dedicated craft room.
That day won't be tomorrow.
Or even the next day.
It might not even be next week.
But it will happen.
First, the Sparky dog needs a bath and a haircut.
We'll see how the day goes from there.
Praying that day 2 of 2015 leaves me feeling that same good kind of exhausted as day 1 did.
Because day 365 of 2014 just really hurt...